


Tamago

by ToxicPineapple



Series: Egg RP Future [2]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Background Junkizuru, Background Tenkaemiu, Based on a roleplay, Breakups, Dogs, Established Relationship, Implied abusive relationships, Implied/Referenced Sexual Abuse, Introspection, It isn't that heavy but it is there, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Non-Despair Enoshima Junko, Nonbinary Amami Rantaro, Nonbinary Kamukura Izuru, Other, Past Relationship(s), Past Saiouma, Past Shuzuru, Sort Of, This piece does NOT reflect how I feel about Shuichi, it's complicated - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:56:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29981817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToxicPineapple/pseuds/ToxicPineapple
Summary: Kaito exits the bathroom, zipping up his sweatshirt, and feels around on the floor until he’s located his indoor slippers. He scoops up his cell phone, and leans down over Rantaro’s sleeping form, brushing green curls away from their eyes and planting a light kiss on their forehead. He feels a bit guilty heading out before Rantaro’s woken up on a day like today, but Rantaro’s always seemed more together about what happened back then than Kaito is. Even if they haven’t, it’s not like Kaito can just skip out on his JAXA duties, and he doubts that Rantaro would let him, for that matter. He won’t be gone for long.Speaking with a sleeping Rantaro is always like spinning a roulette wheel, in terms of responses, but Kaito murmurs an I love you, regardless, smiling down at them. They shift a little in their sleep, eyelids fluttering, and smile, and Kaito calls that a victory, straightening himself up and heading out the door.---On the three year anniversary of Rantaro and Kaito's breakup with Shuichi, Kaito finds himself reflecting on the past.
Relationships: Amami Rantaro/Momota Kaito, Amami Rantaro/Momota Kaito/Saihara Shuichi (past)
Series: Egg RP Future [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2204904
Comments: 5
Kudos: 14





	Tamago

**Author's Note:**

> strictly speaking, you don't HAVE to read Jimcloud's fic to understand this one, but i think that you should. it's from rantaro's perspective, and also, it's just really good. can't believe jim is one of the best writers i know :')
> 
> and, as stated in the tags, this is based off a roleplay i did with some friends, and one not-so-friend. they played the role of shuichi, so a lot of the things that shuichi is described to have done in this fic were, hmmmmm, mostly done by the mun.
> 
> i want to give a quick trigger warning for referenced sexual pressure in the contents of this fic. please take care of yourself and your triggers and proceed with caution. :)

Kaito wakes up before sunrise on the morning of the 29th, and for a few, peaceful moments, he has no idea what day it is.

He hums, sleepily, and rolls over to face Rantaro, sliding his arms around their waist and tucking his face into their shoulder, yawning. His alarm should go off pretty soon, but he might get up before that, anyway, depending on how he feels for these next few seconds in bed. Kaito always has a pretty tough time falling back asleep once he’s woken up, but the sheets are warm and Rantaro smells nice, and the novelty of sleeping in a bed after going to space hasn’t yet been lost on him, so for a moment, Kaito thinks he might just doze off again.

…That is, until he remembers the date. He can taste something bitter in the back of his throat, so he swallows, but the thought alone is enough to rouse him, and he pulls out of Rantaro’s embrace, placing a lopsided kiss on his partner’s temple before sliding his legs out from under the blankets.

November 29th has never been Kaito’s favourite day of the year. (Yawning again, Kaito picks up his phone from the nightstand, pulling it off the charger and putting in his code to disable his alarm. Rantaro probably wouldn’t wake up to it anyway, since they tend to sleep in pretty late, but Kaito doesn’t want to run the risk of waking them before they have to be up. Not while they’re home.) It’s a month after  _ October  _ 29th, after all, and aside from being his friend Kiibo’s birthday, that’s also the day that Kaito’s parents died, eleven years ago.

And the day that Kaito came back from space, actually. He’s been back on earth for a month. Kaito puts his phone back down and heads over to the dresser for an outfit, covering his mouth to yawn again. He’s still getting his feet back under him, both figuratively and literally; it’s only just recently that Kaito’s stopped dropping things that he’s been holding, expecting for them to be floating where he left them a couple seconds later. Aside from adjusting physically, Kaito’s had to deal with the fact that he’s back on  _ earth,  _ too, something that, if you asked him three years ago, he wouldn’t have expected himself be.

Three years, huh. Kaito lifts a t-shirt from the top drawer, and a pair of jeans, shuffling to the closet for a hoodie and then ducking into the bathroom. The bathroom is always a bit eerie before the sun rises. Back when Kaito first went to live with his grandparents, he would refuse to use the bathroom after dark, scared of evil spirits, of ghosts, of demons that can reach you in the dark. (He splashes water on his face to clear out any lingering spooks. None of that. Ghosts, decidedly, aren’t  _ real--  _ and it was never the spirits themselves that scared Kaito, anyway, not really.)

He’s grown out of that, by now, though. It’s been a long time since Kaito has even seen his grandparents. Over three years, even. He checks in on them every once and a while, from a comfortable distance-- and though he’s never admitted to doing so aloud, he’s sure Rantaro at least suspects that he does it-- just… to make sure that they’re doing alright. It’s ridiculous, when Kaito is sure that his grandfather hasn’t thought of him since the day that he got disowned, but… Kaito’s always been so bad at giving up on people. His heart never stops loving just because he tells it to.

He learned  _ that  _ lesson the hard way, three years ago, too.

Ugh. Kaito is definitely just going to be thinking about this today, huh?

He finishes getting dressed and ties his hair back into a bun. Whenever it gets long enough for that style, it’s time for a trim, but this isn’t really the time for it. Kaito hasn’t found the time to cut his hair since he went to space. Maybe if he asked Maki really nicely, she would do it for him.

Kaito exits the bathroom, zipping up his sweatshirt, and feels around on the floor until he’s located his indoor slippers. He scoops up his cell phone, and leans down over Rantaro’s sleeping form, brushing green curls away from their eyes and planting a light kiss on their forehead. He feels a bit guilty heading out before Rantaro’s woken up on a day like today, but Rantaro’s always seemed more together about what happened back then than Kaito is. Even if they haven’t, it’s not like Kaito can just skip out on his JAXA duties, and he doubts that Rantaro would let him, for that matter. He won’t be gone for long.

Speaking with a sleeping Rantaro is always like spinning a roulette wheel, in terms of responses, but Kaito murmurs an  _ I love you,  _ regardless, smiling down at them. They shift a little in their sleep, eyelids fluttering, and smile, and Kaito calls that a victory, straightening himself up and heading out the door.

Their apartment really is conveniently close to a bus stop. Kaito only has to transfer once to get to work, which is ideal, especially at this hour. Kaito shields his eyes with his hand, squinting over to where the sun is rising as he crosses the road (after looking both ways, of course). It’s a bit too overcast this morning for any breathtaking sunsets, Kaito thinks, the sky a solid wall of grey and the air brisk with late November, but it’s nice to watch the light return to everything anyway. Kaito bundles his sweatshirt a little tighter, more out of obligation than out of need. He probably should’ve worn something heavier than a sweatshirt, but he’s always been so shitty at planning for the weather. It doesn’t help that he can barely feel the cold. He’ll just have to get his kisses in with Rantaro later before he catches a bug, or something.

God, they’re gonna need the kiss today, though, the both of them. Kaito pulls out his bus pass and scans it as he steps on, climbing further back and taking a seat by the window. It’s a forty five minute bus trip, so he’s got some time to kill. He leans his head against the back of the seat and releases his breath, trying not to dwell.

It’s hard, though, in the quiet, with nothing left to do, and Kaito always gets nauseous reading his phone in moving vehicles, so eventually, his mind inevitably wanders to what happened three years ago, to… Shuichi.

He hadn’t taken it well, the breakup. In fact he’d taken it worse than Kaito had been expecting, and damn if there wasn’t a moment where, watching Shuichi curl in on himself, tears welling in his eyes, Kaito wanted to rescind everything, move himself forward and take Shuichi into his arms, kiss away his tears and give him another thousand chances. If it hadn’t been for Rantaro, Kaito isn’t entirely sure that he  _ wouldn’t  _ have done that. Nevermind emotional support in the moment of-- the way that Shuichi  _ treated  _ Rantaro alone was enough for Kaito to build resentments, and… even if Shuichi was never there for Kaito, well, Kaito could handle that. He thought he deserved it, after all, at the time.

Some days he’s still not sure that he doesn’t. Kaito swallows and presses his lips together, his brow furrowing. He pulls up his hood so nobody getting on the bus can see his expression. It’s… hard, thinking objectively, on what happened. So much of that time before Kaito and Rantaro ended it with Shuichi is coloured with Kaito’s bitterness towards him-- and he is, surprisingly bitter, considering how much he loved Shuichi at the time. But maybe that was the problem, how much he loved Shuichi, because it only made the mistreatment, the lying, sting that much worse. Kaito can put up with a lot of shit, he thinks, (arguably  _ too  _ much shit, if you’re asking Tenko,) but there came a point where Kaito would see Shuichi, and the first emotion that surfaced would be anxiety, this nauseous, swirling apprehension that killed his appetite and tempted him to curl into himself.

Someone sits in the spot in front of Kaito, and he’s shaken out of his thoughts just long enough to watch them pull out their phone, before sighing and leaning back into his seat. There’s a part of him that things, superstitiously, that thinking so much about Shuichi will somehow make him appear. As if that could happen. Kaito has no idea where Shuichi is nowadays, what he’s been doing, and though Kaito wonders, from time to time, he doesn’t really… care. He can’t even find the energy to wish Shuichi well, really, though for the sake of the people Shuichi must be close to now, he hopes he’s changed. Hopes he’s  _ better. _

Most of Kaito doubts it. But the optimistic part, the part that’s the  _ Luminary of the Stars,  _ believes that he might be. There’s always a chance, after all, and Kaito shouldn’t begrudge him that, just because he hates him now.

…Well, that’s a little harsh. Kaito doesn’t know that he  _ hates  _ Shuichi, not anymore. He certainly  _ did,  _ for a while, more than Rantaro ever did, at least, but now when Kaito thinks of Shuichi he just feels a dull, faded version of that familiar anxiety, a cold twist in the pit of his stomach, a feeling that used to be burning hot and all-consuming, but now is just… distant. Kaito feels numb, really, towards Shuichi, towards what happened, and yet… he can’t really force his mind to shut off, not without anything to occupy it.

He waves to the driver as he exits the bus and leans against the sign while he waits for the next one. The sky is brighter now, though still grey, and more people are awake, cars driving down the road, people drifting past the bus stop. Kaito watches them, but he doesn’t really  _ watch them;  _ he’s never had as much of a penchant for people watching as Rantaro, and anyway, his mind is distracted, right now, and Kaito isn’t as good at avoiding subjects as he used to be. Call it a taste of his own medicine, but nowadays unless he thinks through something all the way, he can’t really get over it. There are worse coping mechanisms, but Kaito wishes he didn’t have to think about Shuichi right now, on the way to work, a month after his parents’ death anniversary.

Just another thing to resent Shuichi for, Kaito supposes, but he doesn’t really have the energy for that.

It had been more than just the lying, Kaito thinks, as he steps onto the next bus, shooting the bus driver a wry grin as he taps his card before repeating the steps he took on the last one. The lying alone, maybe Kaito could’ve dealt with-- unsteady as it always made him feel, Kaito tended to blame  _ himself  _ for all the lies, rather than Shuichi, and where he was at three years ago, he’s not sure he would’ve been able to put his foot down, if that was all it was.

Besides, Shuichi always had such a good  _ excuse.  _ Such a selfless excuse. He didn’t want them to  _ worry  _ about him. He didn’t want to be trouble. He didn’t want to take up space. And Kaito can  _ understand  _ that, god he can understand not wanting to take up space, but there comes a point where you just… you  _ just  _ have to trust people. When you’re dating somebody, it requires a certain amount of… faith. And that was faith that Shuichi never had in him. Near the end of the relationship, Kaito could always see the doubt in Shuichi’s eyes, whenever he said that he cared, that he loved him. When you lie so often, so easily, it becomes hard to trust other people, after all.

And a part of Kaito feels guilty about it, because to a certain point, those  _ I love yous, _ those promises, they  _ were  _ false, they  _ were  _ born out of obligation, but… never until the end, really. Never until Shuichi had worn him down, insisting over and over again that he was lying, that Shuichi was a problem, until eventually… it became the truth.

Shuichi was always so… careless, too, yet somehow still so controlling, with the way that he treated Rantaro, and Kaito. When Shuichi was upset, Rantaro’s first instinct was  _ always  _ to push away whatever they were feeling, even if they were upset, and comfort him. And Shuichi hated it-- or at least, Kaito thought he did-- but he expected it, too. Somehow, whenever he was needed, Shuichi always found a way to… not be there, to skip out, because he always had a bigger problem,  _ he  _ was always suffering worse, he needed the love and the attention more than Kaito or Rantaro did. Kaito wouldn’t have  _ minded  _ that, he knows, he would’ve been happy just giving and giving and giving until he had nothing left, but… there was Rantaro.

At the same time, though, Shuichi expected them to trust him, to open up to him. Whenever something went wrong, whenever Kaito made a mistake, or got hurt, or whenever Rantaro got hurt out on a trip, if Shuichi wasn’t the  _ first  _ to know, it was like he was the last to know. When Kaito got disowned, his first instinct was to call Rantaro-- because Rantaro, despite not being there in person so much of the time, was  _ always  _ there emotionally, even when they were at their worst-- and Shuichi didn’t say a word through the entirety of the phone call, didn’t even ask if Kaito was alright.

Which… Kaito supposes Shuichi didn’t owe him, not really, but… Shuichi’s anger, his hurt, when Kaito later talked to him about what happened, because he wasn’t the first person Kaito called… it was something that Kaito wasn’t emotionally equipped to deal with. It made him feel guilty, intensely guilty, to take, to reach out to Rantaro, to  _ need  _ Rantaro, every once in a while, and yet… he couldn’t reach out to Shuichi, couldn’t need him in that same way. Because as much as Shuichi was good at stroking his hair, as much as Shuichi had pretty eyes and a soft voice, the moment Kaito needed him, he was never around. He could never bring himself to be.

Kaito realises the bus has arrived at his stop when another one of the regulars, a woman a bit older than Kaito, leaves her seat, and he stands, calling a thanks to the driver and stepping off onto the curb. He pulls his ID badge from his pocket and walks up to the office, bumping open the door with his shoulder and finding a grin for the receptionist. It comes easy, in part because Kaito knows everyone here, likes them, but also because… he has plenty of practice putting on a smile, when he needs to.

Even if Kaito isn’t, strictly speaking, a  _ hero,  _ anymore, it’s still… hard letting his guard down, around anyone other than the select few people who he knows how to do that with.

Work is a welcome distraction from his thoughts, for a while. Kaito pours himself a mug of coffee (because on a day like today, fuck, he needs the energy) and sits down at his desk. It’s all data sorting work today. As much as Kaito came into this for the chance to see the stars, it’s not like you can take a day trip to the moon. Most of the time it’s work like this, analysing samples, working on machines, things that are  _ important,  _ just… not that Kaito ever imagined the  _ Luminary of the Stars  _ doing.

It’s just fine work for Momota Kaito, though, and he’ll take that, for today.

At around lunch, Kaito pushes his chair back out and groans, rolling his head, stretching his arms over his head. He always gets so cramped doing work like this. It’s fun, and exciting, even, to be working in a field that Kaito is so passionate about, but god this part of it is a pain in the ass, sometimes. Kaito closes his eyes for a moment, taking in the stretch in his lower back, and then exhales, letting his arms fall to his sides.

Mmmmm. Shuichi, huh. He was always so good at work like this. There’s something warm in Kaito’s chest, but it isn’t affection. If Kaito had to put a word to it, he’d probably use… regret. Not… for leaving for Shuichi, not even for loving him, just… that Shuichi hadn’t been better. That he was never the person Kaito thought he was, no matter how hard Kaito believed in him.

“There is something on your mind,” Kamukura Izuru states, as they appear in front of Kaito’s desk, and he jumps, shooting upright. Kaito is more used to Kamukura’s general… like that… ness, than he was back in high school, but it’s still alarming when a dude materialises out of thin air, okay. Besides, Kamukura’s never stopped being just a little bit unnerving, at least to Kaito. They seem to know so much, but they say so little. And it’s… a quality that Kaito would’ve looked for ina sidekick, once, but… it would take a lot of  _ cojones  _ to take Kamukura Izuru on as your sidekick, that’s all Kaito’s saying.

“Jesus, dude, you scared me,” Kaito mutters. He runs his hand through his hair and lets out a sigh.

“As I have been known to do, from time to time.” Kamukura’s lip quirks, and Kaito huffs out a laugh. Yeah, okay. Kaito has half a mind to call them a jackass, but not while they’re at work (even if a lot of these guys have probably been  _ called  _ jackasses by Kaito before, still, they’re not in space anymore) and… well, Kaito doesn’t think that they would  _ mind,  _ necessarily, but Kaito isn’t sure if he’s exactly close enough with Kamukura to call them a jackass.

It’s complicated. At least with Kamukura’s girlfriend, Junko, she’s sociable enough that Kaito can get a good back and forth going. Kamukura doesn’t really  _ do  _ banter. Which is fine! Neither does Harumaki. But it’s… y’know, it’s, different, somehow, with Harumaki.

“You are thinking about Saihara,” Kamukura adds, and Kaito wonders, as he processes the statement, whether or not Kamukura’s hesitation was to do with the use of Shuichi’s surname. They were on a given name basis, back in high school. Longer, even, than Kaito was. But whatever happened with Kamukura and Shuichi, it’s… not really Kaito’s business, aside from the fact that… he hurt them both.

“Keeping up your correctness streak,” Kaito remarks. He shakes his head a little. “Trying to focus on my work, but it’s not like working through lunch is gonna be helpful.” Or particularly healthy, for that matter. Kaito had a cup of  _ coffee  _ for breakfast. He’s gotta make sure to feed himself. It’s more of an obligation than he’d like, but… that’s another one of those things that’s leftover from the breakup. It can’t really be helped. “You thinking about him at all?”

Kamukura seems to consider the question. “Yes,” they say, “as much as is required, to surmise that you were thinking about him. But today is not our breakup anniversary.”

It’s… odd, Kaito decides, to hear Kamukura refer to it as a breakup. They haven’t done that before; but then, Kaito so rarely speaks to Kamukura about non-work-related things, and about Shuichi even less. What would there be to say? Kaito hated Shuichi, hated him for a very long time, and if Kamukura still loved him… still  _ loves  _ him… who would Kaito be to take that away from them? They aren’t friends. And Kaito doesn’t trust himself, not really, not to resent anybody for still loving Shuichi. He’s not strong enough for that, even now, with all that happened… mostly in the past.

He spent a good amount of time resenting Kamukura regardless, back when it happened, though in retrospect Kaito thinks that a lot of that might have been jealousy. He was jealous, of Kamukura, because Kamukura was able to  _ stay,  _ Kamukura was willing to put up with Shuichi’s bullshit for longer than Kaito was. Kamukura was, as they had always been, what Kaito wasn’t able to be for Shuichi; support. Real support. And Shuichi seemed to trust Kamukura, at least enough to confide in them about the breakup, and that was… well, Kaito had never been close to Kamukura to begin with, but it was enough to feel a bit bitter.

Of course, it hadn’t been as simple as Kamukura being stronger than Kaito. It’s easy to see that now, in retrospect. Which isn’t to say that  _ Kaito  _ was the strong one in that situation. He wasn’t stronger than Kamukura, just because he managed to get out of it first. He just… had better self esteem, he supposes, and he had Rantaro, too, who not only knew firsthand what Shuichi was like, but… urged Kaito to do the right thing for himself. Kamukura had someone like that too, in fact, a  _ couple  _ of people, but up until November 29th three years ago, Kamukura wasn’t… feeling the brunt of it, really, wasn’t seeing what Shuichi was really like, not in the up-close and personal way that Kaito and Rantaro were.

Kamukura wasn’t the only person who Kaito felt alienated from after the breakup, or even the closest one. For the majority of their friends, Tenko and Maki and Kokichi and Miu, the shift was immediate. It took as little as an explanation from Rantaro to get Miu and Kokichi on board, and Tenko had already hated Shuichi  _ long  _ before the breakup, for reasons… that Kaito doesn’t want to get into, not with Kamukura in front of him, and Maki was friends with the both of them, but when it came down to it… she was always Kaito’s friend first, in a way that sort of hurt Kaito’s chest to think about back when he still loved Shuichi, and she’d seen Kaito in knots over the whole relationship enough times to understand what Kaito was talking about, when he explained why he had to end things.

But Kaede… was the same case as with Maki, in that, before she was Kaito’s friend, she was Shuichi’s. And the side of the breakup that Kaede got… was, accordingly, Shuichi’s. She’d been there, talking Shuichi through it, as he got  _ together  _ with Kaito and Rantaro, after all. Of course she would’ve been there at the end. And in the years since then Kaede has been pretty transparent about the things that Shuichi told her, about everything that happened, but… there was a time when Kaito could tell that Kaede resented them, him and Rantaro, and it… hurt. Kaede was one of his favourite people, after all, one of his closest friends. He didn’t want to lose her to something like that.

She found out for herself, eventually, what Shuichi was like, and after all the tension with her girlfriends, Kaede and Kaito and Rantaro finally talked it out, and things were okay. It’s hard to forget, though, how much Shuichi almost destroyed Kaito’s friendship with one of his best friends, and even Kaede’s relationship with Miu and Tenko, which they had to work so hard in the beginning to form. That was what Shuichi did, in the end, he tore people apart-- and as long as he was still being supported, as long as he was still somebody’s  _ number one…  _ it didn’t matter to him.

It feels harsh, to put it that way, but it’s true. And Kaede isn’t the only person who Shuichi clung to, after the breakup. The other one was Kamukura Izuru, Shuichi’s other romantic partner (well, them and Kokichi, but Kokichi was always second priority, always shoved aside in favour of someone who Shuichi liked more; even when they were flirting, Shuichi adamantly denied it, and to this day Kaito still has no idea why he behaved that way) and… the one who was left with him, after November 29th. It took Kamukura a really long time to break free, from what Kaito’s heard over the years, and thinking about it, about Kamukura stuck in a relationship where Shuichi had nobody else, is… suffocating. It’s hard to escape the guilt, at times, especially now, with Kamukura standing in front of his desk.

But they got out, Kamukura did, their girlfriend helped them pull themself out, and Junko admitted to Kaito once that she even gave Shuichi a piece of her mind, after the fact, but if she did… well, Kaito doesn’t know how it went, and he doesn’t need to, really. It’s enough to know that Junko had Kamukura’s back, during that time, that they weren’t completely alone.

Kaito realises that he’s spaced out, and blinks, focusing back in on Kamukura, who appears to have been watching him silently all this time. Slightly embarrassed, Kaito reaches up to rub the back of his neck, clearing his throat. “Oh, sorry, man. Mind’s been somewhere else all day.”

“Yes,” Kamukura says again. “You are thinking about the past.”

“Yeah,” Kaito huffs out a little laugh. He picks up his pen and twirls it between his fingers, just for something to do with his hands. It’s frustrating, but unavoidable, on days like today. “Kinda pathetic of me, I guess. I don’t even know what he’s doing now.”

“Would that make you happy, to know?” Kamukura’s eyebrows quirk only slightly, and Kaito gets the feeling, as he returns his gaze to their face, that they already know the answer to that question, despite posing it.

…Still, they don’t answer it for themself, and eventually Kaito replies, “Not really, no,” and Kamukura nods.

“It is your lunch hour,” Kamukura says. They place a small, rectangular box on Kaito’s desk, and turn to leave. “Eat.”

They’re gone before Kaito can reply, which is just as well, because Kaito is already undoing the red ribbon around the box, pulling off the top and removing the card from inside. He recognises the handwriting in the card as Enoshima Junko’s, a little message of encouragement scrawled on the top (because no doubt  _ she  _ remembered what day it is, too, that woman’s mind can be scary at times) and smiles to himself before looking beneath it.

There’s a gift card in here, for a restaurant across the street from work. Not that Kaito needs gift cards, particularly, with Rantaro’s income, (and the money he makes as an astronaut is nothing to sneeze at, either) but it’s a thoughtful gift, especially considering that Kaito was about to grab a bite. Junko probably predicted as much, actually. Creepy as shit. Kaito is grinning, though. He’ll have to call her, later.

With the gift from Kamukura and Junko, boosting his mood, and with the added benefit of lunch, Kaito is able to keep his mind off of Shuichi for the rest of the work day, and he grabs his shit and heads out of the office just after two in the afternoon, waving at his boss and a couple of his coworkers as he heads out the door. He’ll have more exciting work to do later on, once all this data collection stuff is finished, but right now it’s all tedious numbers stuff, so there’s not a lot of socialising to do. Not that Kaito would really be able to hold much of a conversation, right now. Everything is reminding him of Shuichi, today, it seems; and not everyone knows as much about what happened as Kamukura.

He comes up to the bus stop and leans himself against the sign, again, humming  _ Golden Days  _ under his breath and tugging his cell phone from his pocket. Rantaro must be awake by now. Kaito considers texting them, and then decides against it, sliding his phone back away. Any conversation he’d initiate right now would go straight to Shuichi, Kaito knows, and while it’s not a taboo subject, or anything, Kaito doesn’t really want to do that over text. Maybe tonight, when it’s dark again, when they’re both tucked under the covers and Kaito is safe, wrapped up in Rantaro’s arms. Then he’ll talk about it.

For now, Kaito takes out his bus pass and steps on again, giving the driver another quick smile as he taps it and finds a place to stand. The bus is always more crowded at this hour. It doesn’t particularly bother Kaito, but he notices it anyway, because Rantaro’s claustrophobia (while it’s gotten better over the years) would probably be off the shits right now.

…Mmmmm, Rantaro. They’ve come a long way, huh. Kaito gazes out the window, his fingers curled loosely around the bar overhead, and watches cars zoom by as the bus pulls up to a stoplight. Kaito tells them pretty much everything, nowadays, even when it comes to the things that Kaito is… sort of ashamed to be the truth, like the way he used to fantasise about dying among the stars, and the way that he still wakes up yelling for his parents, every so often, and the way he still shudders every time Halloween comes around. He was pretty open with them back then, too, because Rantaro… has always  _ gotten  _ it, in a way that nobody else ever has.

They both knew it was unhealthy, back then, the way they were both inclined to curl in on themselves, hiding all their weaknesses, closing themselves off from the world and giving and giving and giving, losing themselves in the feeling of being helpful, of being  _ needed.  _ But at least they both experienced it, at least they weren’t alone. And with Rantaro, it was easy to see the flaws in the coping mechanism, easy to see how  _ painful  _ it is, to watch somebody you love care so much about everybody but themself, and that was, at least in part, how Kaito came to start taking care of himself, better. Things always improve once you have someone to rely on, and Rantaro… made Kaito  _ want  _ to be better, and not in that way where he never believed he was good enough, but more… Rantaro gave Kaito the strength to heal. The desire to, even. Kaito wouldn’t know how to pay them back for that, if he didn’t know how much of their own recovery over the years has been because of his presence.

(It’s a process, though, a nonlinear process. Things are far from perfect. But they’re close enough, Kaito supposes.)

It was hard to tell Rantaro  _ everything,  _ though, because Kaito was already so inclined to feel guilty about taking, and near the end of their relationship with Shuichi… there was one thing, that always tended to stick in Kaito’s throat whenever he brought it up, that he didn’t know how to broach, so he just… didn’t, for a while.

Rantaro knows  _ now,  _ of course, but it was hard to articulate at the time. (Kaito climbs off the bus with a wave to the driver and jogs across the street to his bus stop.) Kaito didn’t want it to seem like he was accusing Shuichi of things that weren’t actually happening, and well… maybe there was a part of Kaito that thought he was overreacting, that thought that… what he was feeling was unnatural, and  _ most  _ people should’ve been okay with it, so… he was the weird one. Rantaro didn’t need to know about more of his shortcomings. They already dealt with enough of them on a daily basis. Kaito didn’t need to put that on them.

It was what Shuichi wanted Kaito to feel, probably. It’s called  _ gaslighting,  _ or at least, that’s what his therapist called it, when he finally brought it up to her. Shuichi was good at that, at making it seem like Kaito’s problems with him were all exaggerated, like everything that he did to him was all in his head. There was always a contradiction that Shuichi could find, that wouldn’t  _ really  _ disprove what Kaito was saying, but it would get at his confidence just enough for Shuichi to win the argument, and then all of a sudden Kaito would be the one apologising. He could never  _ talk  _ to Shuichi about those problems, because Shuichi always found away to make it Kaito’s fault… and Kaito already wanted to blame himself for everything most of the time, so it was… hard, to deal with, and Shuichi took advantage of that.

The main issue, Kaito thinks, was that Rantaro… was already out as asexual, when they started dating.

Well, no. Putting it like that makes it sound like it was their fault, and it  _ wasn’t.  _ None of what Shuichi did was ever Rantaro’s fault. But Rantaro was already out as asexual, and they were very clear about their boundaries from the get-go. They were never available for that kind of intimacy.

And Kaito… well, it was Kaito’s first relationship. And he liked the kissing, he liked sleeping with his arms curled around Shuichi’s waist, he liked to lie in bed all day with one of his partners and go between sloppy kisses and murmured affection. That was nice, it was tender, intimate, and if Kaito’s kisses with Shuichi always lasted a little longer than they did with Rantaro, then it was just… a matter of preference. And Kaito didn’t mind.

But there was the implication of other things-- and sometimes, when they kissed, or when Kaito took off his shirt, Shuichi would get this look in his eyes, and it made Kaito feel… like his chest was crawling, like something in his stomach was struggling to escape. Shuichi never…  _ tried  _ anything, not really, but their kisses got deeper every time they went in for them, and things felt like they were moving too  _ fast,  _ even though they were happening over the course of months, and Shuichi was open about the fact that he got horny, and Rantaro and Kamukura were both asexual, and Kaito felt… like he was being suffocated.

It’s not that he thought Shuichi would force him, necessarily, but Kaito felt all this pressure, from all sides, to…  _ be  _ that, to Shuichi, to do that for him. And sometimes when they kissed Shuichi would look at Kaito expectantly, and Kaito would feel frozen, not sure what to do, how to proceed. He wanted to make Shuichi happy, but the idea of doing more, of going beyond kissing, it made Kaito feel sick to his stomach.

Tenko was the first person he told that he thought he might be asexual, and the only person he confided in about these problems with Shuichi, too, at least to begin with. It took a lot of convincing to get Tenko not to beat the crap out of Shuichi at first, which… in retrospect, would’ve been fair of her, and Kaito can’t pretend like Tenko talking like that didn’t make him a bit happy, after a while, to have such a good friend, but… even with Tenko telling him how wrong the sexual pressure was, Kaito ignored it, he told himself that he was imagining it, he pretended that it wasn’t there.

Eventually, he did tell Rantaro and Shuichi that he was ace, and Rantaro was supportive, of course-- they’ve always supported Kaito, always, even when he’s been at his lowest, making mistake after mistake after mistake-- and Shuichi acted that way, too, but in the weeks that followed… Shuichi was… icy. It was almost as though he felt betrayed, and on occasion, when Kaito would talk to Rantaro about asexuality, Shuichi would let out a chuckle and remark that he was unused to being the only  _ allosexual  _ in a room, and Kaito… didn’t know how to feel about it. It was uncomfortable. He thought for a while that Shuichi actually hated him, for realising that he was ace, for speaking up about it, and it was alarming how much he was resigned to the thought.

Shuichi came around, eventually, but things were never the same after that, and Kaito built up an aversion to kissing, for a while, to even the mention of sex, after all the pressure, and took a while for him to stop gagging at the thought of it, to recover from all the expectations, imagined or unimagined, and all the disappointment.

It took Rantaro noticing Kaito’s discomfort for Kaito to talk about it-- and of course Rantaro noticed, they always noticed, when Kaito was struggling, they had a good eye for it-- and Kaito couldn’t bring himself to talk about the full extent of the problem until  _ after  _ they had already broken up, because he didn’t want perceived imaginary factors to fuel Rantaro’s reasons for ending the relationship, not when Rantaro already had so much on their plate.

Rantaro was nothing but reassuring, of course, as they always are, and even disgusted with Shuichi, which was as much jarring as it was validating, and it’s been in large part thanks to them (and Tenko) that Kaito’s been able to stop blaming himself for it. It’s hard, sometimes, especially on days like today, to think that Kaito was entirely in the right, but if nothing else, he knows that Shuichi treated  _ Rantaro  _ poorly. And that alone is enough to make Kaito never want to think about his ex ever again.

When Kaito lifts his head, scanning the street for the bus, he notices a box on the corner of the sidewalk where he’s standing, covered with a moving blanket. He raises his eyebrows, but he can’t make out the kanjis on the box from here, so he pushes himself off the sign and pads his way over, slipping around a couple pedestrians to check it out, crouching down and lifting the blanket.

As Kaito does so, at once, something fuzzy and small leaps into his chest, and Kaito lets out an  _ oof,  _ putting back one of his hands to support his weight, the other dropping the blanket and lifting automatically to cup whatever it is that just jumped at him. He finds himself staring into a pair of warm, chocolate brown eyes, surrounded by black and brown speckled fur, and a cool, wet snout, that presses up against Kaito’s own nose. It’s a German Shepherd puppy, Kaito thinks, and he has to turn his face away so he doesn’t get dog saliva in his mouth, because this one is a licker, it looks like.

Kaito is laughing. He’s always liked dogs. He pushes himself back up onto his knees, cradling the puppy in his other arm, and looks at the box. There are several other puppies wriggling around inside, all covered in fluffy fur like the one that jumped Kaito, and the box itself has the words  _ Puppies - Take One!  _ written on the side. He can’t help scoffing a little. This is a pretty irresponsible way to send off a bunch of pups. He should probably call an animal shelter or something.

But… Kaito looks down at the puppy in his arms, watching the little bugger get comfy against his chest, nuzzling his neck, and finds himself smiling. He’s about to do something impulsive, he knows, but hopefully Rantaro has known him long enough by now to expect it.

When Kaito returns to the apartment, Rantaro isn’t home, but Kaito has a pretty good guess as to what they’re doing-- it  _ is  _ the three year anniversary of their breakup with Shuichi, after all, and Rantaro has always had trouble leaving people behind-- so he doesn’t stress out about it. Instead, he sits himself down on the couch, resting the puppy in his lap, and shoots Rantaro a text, that he has a surprise waiting for him.

“What should I name you?” Kaito muses, aloud, putting his phone to the side and cupping the puppy’s face with one of his hands. The puppy licks it. “Mr. Suave, maybe?”

The suggestion makes him chuckle. It’s an old, high school nickname, that Kaito kept using for Rantaro even  _ after  _ they came out as nonbinary. They really aren’t  _ that  _ much of a flirt, but they sure do have a way with words. It would be fun, Kaito thinks, to name the dog after Rantaro… but probably a little confusing, even if Kaito does discover that the puppy is the appropriate gender for it, after a cursory check.

“What other names are there?” Kaito scritches the puppy behind his ear. “Maybe Tamago?”

The dog stares up at him with wide, uncomprehending eyes, and then pushes himself up to lick a stripe up Kaito’s cheek.

“Yeah, okay,” Kaito chuckles, wiping the dog slobber off his cheek. “You’ll get used to it, I promise.”

Tamago seems pleased by this development, at least, by a puppy’s standards, and lays himself back down on Kaito’s chest, getting comfy. Kaito smiles to himself, and picks up his phone again. He’ll have to schedule a trip to the vet, and also head by a pet store tonight and get all the proper materials. That’s something he’ll want to do with Rantaro there, though, something they can do together.

A part of Kaito is worried about Rantaro’s reaction to the third member of their family. (He pulls up Kamukura’s contact on his phone and shoots them a quick text asking them for the phone number of their other significant other, Tanaka Gundham, the Ultimate Animal Breeder from their high school and also a good person to talk to about animals.) After all, it’s been a while since they’ve had a permanent third in this apartment, not since… Shuichi.

Everything is happening in threes today, huh? Three inhabitants. Three years. Kaito rubs circles on the top of Tamago’s head with his thumb, humming to himself. At the very least, Tamago is going to be a much better companion than Shuichi ever was. He doubts the dog will need to have all of Kaito’s and Rantaro’s attention, all the time, even when they’re fresh out. Or maybe he will. But dogs don’t really know better, do they? Not in the way that people do.

There’s a quick double knock at the door, Rantaro’s, and Kaito looks up, beaming, only for Tamago to bark, and immediately start squirming in his arms. Kaito lets out a disgruntled noise, getting to his feet as he tries to keep the dog from tackling his significant other as soon as they step through the door. “Quit it,” he grunts, under his breath, pouting a little at the puppy. “You’re ruining the surprise!”

With that, the door slides open, and Kaito looks up in time to catch the smile that appears on his partner’s face, and even though they’ve been together for years, the sight of them still makes Kaito’s shoulders relax, just a little, any tension that was in his chest releasing.

Then he has to reaffirm his hold on the squirming puppy in his hands, but y’know, small victories. Kaito is gay. He shakes his head quickly, listening for the click of the door before he speaks. “Okay, so,” he puffs out a breath, “remember how I used to talk about wanting to get a dog after I came back from space?”

“Uh-huh,” Rantaro’s smiling, still, and the look on their face makes Kaito’s chest warm a little bit, but he focuses on restraining the pup for now.

“ Well… I was walking down the road, and I saw this box, right, you know,  _ Puppies - Take One?” _

“That really happens?” Rantaro lets out a disbelieving laugh.

“It  _ does!”  _ Kaito huffs, and Rantaro’s expression softens. Gay ass. Kaito suppresses a grin. “I knelt down and this little guy jumped right into my arms! He was well behaved all the way back,” his eyes narrow, and he pauses for a moment, “right up until you knocked on the door, anyway.”

“Oh, so now it’s  _ my  _ fault, is it?” Rantaro is chuckling, their low, rich laugh, as they walk over, a grin on their face. They put out their arms, and obligingly, Kaito allows Tamago to wriggle free, letting out a huff and lifting a hand to the back of his neck. He watches Rantaro’s eyes widen as Tamago sniffs their face, and smiles softly. Mmmmm. Kaito’s gonna need to take pictures of these two together later. For personal reasons.

“Was thinking about naming him Mr. Suave,” Kaito admits, with a laugh, “but I dunno how suave a dog can be, really. So I called him Tamago, instead.” He brightens up. “He’s a German Shepherd!”

“Tamago?” Rantaro’s green eyes flicker between the dog and Kaito, who is grinning. “You’re deadass going to name this poor child egg and call it a day?”

“You would’ve preferred Mr. Suave?”

“Bastard,” Rantaro says, their eyes narrowing, “you’d make this poor infant all confused.” Kaito watches them scratch Tamago behind the ears, feeling his chest warm. “You can’t call him  _ and  _ me that.”

“Yeah, that’s why I decided against it,” Kaito insists, raising an eyebrow.

“So you’re just gonna make him get all confused when you make sunny side up, instead.” Rantaro shakes their head. “Fine, Tamago it is, but I get to name whatever we name next.”

Even though a large part of Kaito was expecting this reaction, his eyes still widen a little, and he asks, “So we can keep him?”

Rantaro tilts their head. “What, did you want me to be all,” they clear their throat, before pitching up their voice,  _ “Kaito, raising a dog is a lot of responsibility…” _

“You sound like my gran,” Kaito says, before he can help himself, and he smiles, to let Rantaro know that it’s okay, as he shakes his head. He can see the question in their eyes, and he stays casual accordingly. Nothing to worry about in that area, not today. Gran is fine, right now, off living her life, and Kaito is too. That’s just how it’s going to be.

“If you’re taking care of the dog, I don’t have a problem with it,” Rantaro scoffs, “I can be the cool parent who just comes back to spoil him every so often.”

“Hey!” Kaito pouts. “Does that mean I gotta be the strict one?”

“Someone’s gotta toilet train him,” Rantaro chuckles, and leans down to let Tamago go. He runs off into the bedroom, and Kaito watches him go for a moment, sighing.

“Yeah, okay,” he pouts a little. Toilet training. Hell. Kaito brought it on himself, though, by bringing a puppy home. He straightens himself out, just for a moment, and then looks up at Rantaro, scrutinising their expression. It’s hard to tell how they’re feeling, right now, under the weight of everything that today represents. “So what were you doing out on the town?”

Rantaro’s smile, as they reach up to rub the back of their head, is genuine, which is always a good sign. “I was out walking, clearing my head. You know how it is.”

They seem okay, but… “Is everything good?” Kaito asks, even after he nods.

There’s a moment of quiet-- probably where Rantaro is considering the question, but Kaito doesn’t mind, because it gives him the chance to take them in. It’s been a really long day. He’s never struggled getting his brain to shut off, but as is the case on anniversaries like this, whenever his brain wasn’t busy, it was… hyperfocusing on Shuichi.

It’s been… hard, the past couple years. Not just because Kaito was in love with Shuichi once. They were best friends, too, and even though Kaito offered, when they broke up, he knew… he couldn’t stay friends, not after that. And Shuichi didn’t want to, he didn’t think. Shuichi wanted… something that Kaito couldn’t give to him.

He’s always struggled to accept that. But since coming back from space, Kaito’s been finding himself more and more comfortable with just… living as he is, helping where he can, and… letting it be, when he can’t. Maybe the  _ Luminary of the Stars  _ really did die up in space, among the stars and the planets, just as he always dreamed of doing.

Just… someone came back, after that. Kaito came back. And he’s okay with that, he thinks. Okay with the fact that home, now, is him, and Rantaro, and the hyper German Shepherd that he just found on the corner of the sidewalk.

“Yeah,” Rantaro’s voice reminds Kaito of where they are just in time for them to pull him into an embrace, which he returns, sighing into their shoulder. They must’ve lit an incense stick while he was gone, because the apartment really smells like it, but Rantaro themself smells like the city, right now. It isn’t a bad smell. “I’m doing great, actually.”

Kaito tilts his forehead into Rantaro’s shoulder, and takes a breath. Yeah. Him too. Despite all the thinking today, all the regrets… he’s better than he’s ever been. He’s here, back on earth, and Rantaro is alive, and like this, with Rantaro’s arms around him, he feels… safe.

They’ll talk about Shuichi later. For now. Kaito’s had enough of dwelling on the past.

**Author's Note:**

> i DO like shuichi, okay, this isn't a slander piece. i even have happy amasaimota fics. just. glances away, glances back. not this one.
> 
> anyway thanks to everyone who i spammed with screenshots of this fic asking if the reactions of their characters were realistic you're the real ones


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